


In Which Two Total Dicks play Mario Kart Wii

by NOT_Kirie_Goshima



Category: Uzumaki, Uzumaki | Spiral (2000)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon - Movie, Crack, M/M, Mario Kart, Mild Language, Singing, Swearing, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:37:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4412363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NOT_Kirie_Goshima/pseuds/NOT_Kirie_Goshima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay, maybe Ichiro Tamura shouldn’t be at the Saito house at 1 in the morning, but Shuichi Saito probably shouldn’t be playing Mario Kart Wii in a fluffy green bathrobe while drinking beer at 1 in the morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The movie sucked, yet for some reason I write fanfic of it. Anyway, this has very little to do with Junji Ito's Uzumaki. It takes place in a modern AU of the movie adaptation, so basically it's an AU of an AU. So of course, the evil-ass Shuichi in this fic is very different from the perfect cinnamon roll in the manga.

This new discovery about what may very well be the enigmatic Spiral surrounding Kurozu-Cho was maybe the most important thing Ichiro had ever figured out in all his fifty years. And that was saying something! There was a reason his boss had gotten him to go all the way out to Kurozu-Cho to study some spiral-shape mental case of a rich family; he was good at figuring things out. It was utterly crucial that he let his…er, colleague know about this new information.

Said colleauge (rival? friend? total dickwad?) was the only surviving member of the family Ichiro had come here to study in the first place: the “great” genius Shuichi Saito. The town heartthrob. Every straight girl aged thirteen or older wanted to sleep with him, though Ichiro really had no idea why; the man was an arrogant asshole whose favorite hobby was destroying other people’s self-esteem. Which really only made him and Ichiro all the more compatible as a team for solving the enigma of this Spirally thingy, because to be honest, Ichiro was the exact same except twenty-nine years older.

He also happened to live in the easiest-to-find house in town: the biggest and least rundown one. The Saitos were rich. Well, not ridiculously so, but Kurozu-Cho was a poor town, and the Saitos were wealthy enough to live semi-luxuriously in Azabu, Tokyo. It was hilarious, really. Most of the town was so poor they had to crowd into slums and houses that were barely in good enough shape to be called houses.

As the reporter neared the Saito house, he quickly noticed that there were lights on. It had to be at least one in the morning. Oh well. If Shuichi was awake, that saved Ichiro the trouble of waking him up and having to face his wrath. Being five-foot-two didn’t stop Shuichi from giving people who annoyed him black eyes.

Knock. Knock.

“OKAY, WHO THE EVERLOVING FUCK THREW THAT BLUE SHELL–oh, if it’s anyone with the surname Goshima, go away. If it’s Mitsuru Yamaguchi, go away. If it’s neither of those two, who is it and what do you want?”

He was…playing Mario Kart?

“It’s Ichiro Tamura.”

“Get your bitch ass in here, then, and close the door behind ya!”

Well, Ichiro had intended to ‘get his bitch ass in there’ anyway, so he did so, with slight indignation at being spoken to like that. He much preferred formal speech to…whatever Shuichi’s dialect was.

Whatever he expected, it was not this. For one, Shuichi was wearing a very fluffy neon green bathrobe, and his hair wasn’t gelled back. For another, he was playing Mario Kart Wii and drinking beer. At one in the morning. Oookay then.

The game was paused, though the young socialite seemed very eager to get back to it; his eyes kept flitting back to the gigantic TV screen every couple seconds or so.

“Well? What d’you want at one in the morning? I’m in the middle of a game, and I take Mario Kart very seriously.”

Really, Shuichi, who doesn’t take Mario Kart seriously?

“I have some information about the Spiral. Normally, I wouldn’t bother you at such an hour over information, but it is very important information.”

Shuichi made a sort overly exaggerated confused expression, squinting with one eye and raising one eyebrow comically.

“Some information about the Spiral? Hm. Can you be bothered to tell me while I play Mario Kart and drink this shitty-ass beer I don’t know why I’m drinking?”

It was all Ichiro could do to keep himself from chuckling at this statement.

“Of course, on one condition.”

“Ah fuck. A condition? Come on, Ichiro, if it’s important enough for you to bother me over at this time of night–well, day–then you don’t need to put conditions on it!”

“I was going to say, only if I can play Mario Kart against you.”

Upon hearing Ichiro’s condition, Shuichi’s expression went from one of exasperation to one of pure evil. The kind of smirk that might have even frightened off an inquisitive Shiho Ishikawa; though maybe not Ichiro.

“Excuse me, did I hear that right? You wanna play Mario Kart against me?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, it is on. Loser has to be the biology substitute tomorrow at the high school.”

Biology substitute? At the local high school? Ichiro was almost having second thoughts about playing Shuichi, with such high stakes! The tenth graders at that school were insufferable, from what he’d seen of them.

There was Sekino Kyoko, the biggest attention whore in the entire universe. There was Tsumura Kazuki, the annoying bully who insisted on singing stupid songs he’d written even though his voice was attrocious. Norio Katayama, the slowest dumbest boy ever to walk the face of the earth, not to mention he was always covered in some weird-ass slime. Shiho Ishikawa, a complete doofus who was obsessed with boys and romance gossip. Mitsuru Yamaguchi, a hopeless pervert. And, worst of the worst, the little girl feared by Ichiro and Shuichi alike: Kirie Goshima. Straight outta some really bad shoujo anime, that one. She had the pigtails and the ever-present blush, and the stupidly high-pitched voice, the whole song and dance.

Man, did Ichiro ever not want to teach that bunch of utter morons. But he had challenged Shuichi, so…

“Alright. Here’s to hoping you lose, Shuichi.”

“Same to you, Ichiro. Let’s play rock-paper-scissors to see who choses the cup.”

Ichiro won, paper against rock.

“Let’s play Lightning Cup, hm? 150cc, if you’re–”

“I always play 150cc, moron. Anyway…”

Shuichi paused his sentence to click the lightning-bolt icon for the Lightning Cup, the one with the courses that had all the super-sharp turns.

“…You were saying? About the Spiral.”

Ichiro waited to choose his kart before answering.

“Okay, so we both know that the Spiral is actually a physical thing right?”

The first course was SNES Mario Circuit 3. That course was a total bitch.

“Obviously.”

“Well, I think I may have found the center of it.”

Shuichi very nearly drove right into the course wall, and also very nearly spit out his beer.

“You may have what?!”

“Found the center of the Spiral. But it’s not constant. It moves.”

“It what–you shit! You just had to throw that gosh dang red shell!”

“Yes, yes I did. I’m winning this. Anyway, the center of the Spiral isn’t constant. It’s usually right on the east side of Dragonfly Pond, but it shifts around sometimes in the presence of a certain person; I’m trying to figure out who that person is.”

Shuichi narrowly dodged a green shell thrown by Toadette, one of the NPCs.

“You’re fuckin’ serious! Well, that actually explains a lot of the inconsistencies in my calculations, but holy shit! Any way I could help you figure out who might be changing the center? They must be pretty epic, to have that kind of effect on something like the Spiral.”

As they spoke, neither man’s eyes left the screen, as they both waited to get a good chance to, no Mario pun intended, one-up the other.

“No doubt. However–YES! LIGHTNING THING! SHRINK, PEASANTS!”

There was a weird video game-esque replica of a thunder noise, and all 11 Mario Kart characters who weren’t Yoshi (Ichiro) were struck by lightning and shrunk/slowed down. Shuichi muttered a string of curses in…well, at least six other languages. Ichiro raised both his hands in victory, lost control of his kart, and drove into a puddle of oil–and was then hit by a red shell, courtesy of Shuichi.

“RED SHELL MOTHERFUCKER! Aw fuck yes, I’m in first place!”

“Don’t gloat yet, Shuichi. There’s still three courses to go, after this one.”

“Shut up and let me bask in my own superiority over you.”

The race ended, and Shuichi, of course, won by less than a second; NPC Mario had very nearly caught up to him, only to run into a banana peel.

Next up: DS Peach Gardens. Fucking chomps.

The race started with Shuichi in first place, and Ichiro in fifth.

…Ichiro quickly caught up and nailed Shuichi with a bomb, leaving the younger man in seventh place.

“OKAY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHAT THE. SHIT A BRICK. Shit eight hundred and thirty-one point five spiral-shaped bricks.”

“What if I don’t feel like shitting that many bricks?”

“Shit them anyway, ya smug-ass motherfucker! As punishment for throwing that fucking bomb!”

“All’s fair in war and Mario Kart, Shuichi.”

The race finished with Ichiro in first place and Shuichi in eleventh. Shuichi, needless to say, was not particularly happy about this.

Next race was GCN DK Mountain. A course that quite annoyed Ichiro and Shuichi both, with the annoying theme music.

Neither one of them finished in first this time. Well, Shuichi was in first place for laps one and two, however got hit with (in this order) a blue shell, a bomb, a bullet bill, two green shells, and a red shell, and finished in ninth place. Ichiro, who seemed to be the more fortunate of the two when it came to getting hit by items, finished third, behind Mario and baby Daisy.

“I swear to god, if one more shell hits me, I’m gonna murder someone. I’m gonna push one of them off into the lava, next course. Over and over again because they deserve that for hitting me with shells.”

“Then I had better watch my back, as I fully intend to hit you with as many items as possible, my dear Shuichi.”

“Don’t you ‘dear’ me, ya douche canoe.”

Ichiro fell off the track twice, no thanks to Shuichi, who was true to his word and made continuous attempts to push him off.

Shuichi lost control of his kart while doing a trick on one of the jumps, and fell into the lava.

Ichiro got nailed by three successive blue shells.

Both of them were struck by lightning.

The race was won by baby Daisy, then Mario, then Waluigi (Shuichi). Ichiro came in fourth.

Baby Daisy got first place; followed by Mario, followed by Wario. Ichiro finished, overall, in fourth place. Shuichi, much to his despair, finished sixth. Although fourth place was technically a loss, Ichiro had still placed higher than Shuichi, so…

“Haha! You get to teach biology tomorrow!”

“Oh, fuck. I am fu-u-ucked. I am so dead. And fucked. Makes me wish the center of the Spiral would focus on me and summon some kind of horrible thing for me to fight, as an excuse.”

“Yes. This is going to be excruciating, isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it is. She has biology tomorrow, a quiz, no less.”

“’She’ here meaning…?”

“You know who I mean, moron! Kirie. The shy kawaii schoolgirl. She’s gonna ruin my entire reputation, fuck.”

“Oh, come on, Shuichi. She can’t be that bad.”

Shuichi shuddered.

“She can be that bad, and she is. I think Cupid may have shot her, missed, and hit her head insted, removing any trace of intelligence, along with her entire vocabulary save for the words ‘Shuichi,’ ‘kun.’”

Ichiro couldn’t stop himself from bursting out laughing at the other’s words.

“Are you joking? She calls you ‘Shuichi-kun?’ That might just be the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life.”

Shuichi could feel his face go red. He was utterly mortified.

“Don’t you dare get any ideas.”

“Good gracious, of course not!”

“Thank god–”

“…Shuichi-kun.”

Had Ichiro been anyone other than himself, he may very well have left the Saito house that night with a black eye and a bloody nose; fortunately, he was in fact Ichiro Tamura, and therefore was able to avoid any injuries.


	2. In Which a Total Dick Fails to Teach a Class (and everyone just sings instead)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirie's class really, *really* want to be the cast of High School Musical. Ahem. I mean, Shuichi tries to be a teacher, Kirie makes everybody stop taking him seriously, and the whole class decide to spend their time singing instead. Shuichi, of course, records it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in 30 minutes at like 3 AM so it's bad. Sorry.

The teacher was late. Very, very late. Tsumura had had time to sing four whole songs already, and Shiho had completely exhausted her supply of gossip! Hell, even Katayama had managed to show up to class--before the teacher, whoever it was. Mr. Yokota was sick. And never late. 

Just as Sekino sighed melodramatically and tossed her hair for the umpteenth time, the door creaked open.

The entire class fell utterly silent when they saw who was standing in the doorway. Some were too stunned to talk, some were innerly fangirling, and some were terrified, and most were all of the above. Even Shiho stopped chattering.

“Hey. I’m late, aren’t I? Oh well. Nobody cares. Get out your textbooks and scribblers and stuff. Page three-hundred-and-eight. Answer the questions.”

Nobody moved a muscle. 

“Uh...I just told you to do something. Are any of you listening?”

As if coming out of a trance, everybody stopped staring at the substitute and did as they were told.

I feel the need to clarify that the substitute teacher was the resident genius Shuichi Saito, and that everybody was intimidated because he owned the town.  
Yes, the whole town. This was intimidating. And it didn’t help that he only ever spoke in a flat, deadpan voice. Being five-foot-two didn’t stop him from terrifying everybody with the whole ‘perpetual blankness’ thing. 

There was, however, one person in the whole town who did a thing that made Mr. Saito seem less intimidating. Sometimes. It drove him crazy, but when a particular fifteen-year-old did the thing, people within a hundred-meter radius stopped taking him seriously. Honestly, Shuichi was stunned she hadn’t already done the thing. She usually did it on-sight. Well, he supposed he could pray that she wouldn--

“Shuichi-kun!”

There it was. The thing. Most of the class started giggling. Shuichi kept his blank expression, but was in actuality very annoyed. He hated this class, but that one girl made it even worse. Kirie Goshima. A particularly high-pitched-voiced girl who was sweet and innocent and naive enough to be an old Disney princess, oh and infatuated enough with a particular guy. 

Since he was like nine, Shuichi had tolerated Kirie’s presence. Hanging out with a girl was his best bet on staying in the closet and defending his in fact non-existent heterosexuality. But really, he couldn’t stand her. That voice just pierced through his ears. And she was infatuated with him. Which was wrong. She was fifteen! It was often very tempting to just say, ‘Go find a guy your own age.’ But he couldn’t reject her. Ugh.

So he just faked laughing with the rest of the class.

“Very funny, Goshima. But seriously, use the proper honorific to address your teacher. If you don’t, I will change the rules so that Kazuki is permitted to sing in class.”

A couple of people turned to look at both Kirie, whose face was beet red, and Tsumura, smiled maniacally and mouthed ‘say it, Goshima!’ under his breath. A couple more people went, ‘oooooooooh!’

***

Sure enough, Kirie couldn’t contain herself and ended up addressing the substitute teacher as ‘Shuichi-kun’ again. True to his word, Shuichi had given Tsumura permission to sing in class. So, sure enough, the entire class had burst into loud, off-key, song.

This class only lasted fifty minutes, so why did it feel like a couple weeks had already passed? The students, thanks to Kirie and the thing, were not taking poor Shuichi seriously in the slightest. He just hoped they knew that they’d be behind in biology after spending today acting like a teen drama class.

Tsumura had gone right back to singing, this time with Oyama and Sekino backing him up. It was atrocious to listen to.

“Nandome no aozora ka? Kazoete wa inai darou.”

Honestly, most of the class had joined in by the closing line of the song. Maybe two of them could sing. Shuichi was tempted to record the whole class singing Nogizaka46 songs so he could show it to them at the end of the class and embarass them. Hm, good idea. He took out his phone and contemplated actually laughing while filming them, but that would ruin his image.

“Boku wa nagasarenai!”

The song finally ended. Shuichi stopped filming.

“Class, I just want to inform you all that I’m going to show you the video of you all singing at the end of the class.”

A couple students gasped comically in horror, Tsumura and Oyama nodded enthusiastically, and Sekino smirked. As far as she was concerned, any attention was good attention.

“It really seems I can’t stop you from singing, so instead, I’m just going to say that the next song can’t be by an idol group. Yes, Ishikawa, Babymetal is an idol group.”

Shiho groaned. Unphased, one of Sekino’s lackeys piped up:

“Cheombuteo ttoktkkaji nal bakkuryeo haji ma...”

Most of the class fell silent. Fail. But that was such a good song! Shuichi would always, without fail, say that K-pop was better than J-pop, especially idol J-pop. Unfortuntely, it seemed like nobody else knew the lyrics. And Shuichi sure as hell wasn’t about to start singing. 

After everyone had finished laughing at the poor girl for trying to sing a song none of them knew, some random guy had started almost yelling some trash by Gackt and the classroom returned to its former noisy state. Shuichi returned to recording everyone.

***

...And recording their reactions to the video of them singing. Everybody seemed horrified of their own recorded voices. Sekino scowled. Tsumura laughed and yelled about how great he sounded. Oyama grinned like an idiot. Shiho just raised her eyebrows. Katayama...uh...well, he was Katayama. Kirie squealed indignantly. Shuichi tried his best not to laugh like crazy. The video he now had of his least favorite tenth grade class reacting to their own voices was definitely a keeper. Dear lord, it was funny. He was so showing this to Ichiro.

“Er, Saito-sensei?”  
“Yes, Oyama?”  
“You should upload that vid to YouTube!”

About two thirds of the class burst into a fit of ‘no!’ 

“Hm...I don’t think I will. But if I ever have to listen to you all imitate the world’s worst elemantary choir again, I certainly will be putting the video on YouTube. Along with every other social media I have.”

The room went completely silent, and Shuichi smirked inwardly. Now that’s how you get your class to stop singing.

***

“And then Sekino totally squealed. Hold on, lemme get the video.”  
“Oh dear.”

Ichiro very nearly doubled over laughing. 

“That class seem rather chaotic.”  
“Seem? Ichiro, they are very chaotic. Though I get the feeling they won’t be having any urges to sing in class anymore, at least not with me around.”  
“I highly doubt it. Would you seriously have put this on YouTube?”  
“Are you questioning my ability to make serious threats? Besides, this whole thing was your fault for winning at Mario Kart.”  
“I can’t help being better than you, Shuichi.”

The younger man scoffed.

“Better than me! In your dreams. Superiority in Mario Kart does not equal general superiority.”  
“Says the one who always bottoms.”  
“Oh, shut up. Someone could hear you. If anyone did, I’d murder you.”  
“Sure you would.”  
“Are you once again questioning my ability to make serious threa--”

Ooh, cliche time; Ichiro had grabbed Shuichi and kissed him forcefully to shut him the hell up. Unsurprisingly, Shuichi didn’t respond at all, but oh well.

“Ichiro! If someone saw that, I’d disembowel you!”  
“There’s nobody around. I looked.”  
“You’d better have. Also, you’re biking this time.”

***

Poor officer Futada really got no end of people riding bikes the wrong way. He’d had to deal with almost every kind of ‘wrong way’ from Mr. Saito; usually he had someone else on his bike, which was only meant for one person, thank you very much, but of course one time he’d ridden backwards while holding a sign that said ‘Suck my dick, Futada,’ and there had been multiple occasions where he’d pulled some ridiculous yet somehow still impressive stunts just to annoy the policeman.

But honestly. Mr. Saito was a pompous twenty-year-old who owned the town and everyone in it. Futada had thought that Mr. Tamura would be more reasonable. He really hadn’t counted on having to yell at Mr. Tamura for riding a bike the wrong way. God dammit,

“THAT BIKE IS ONLY MEANT FOR ONE PERSON! UGH!”

Of course, neither Tamura nor Saito responded. Damn them.


End file.
